Could we start again, please?
by Imagine Eternity
Summary: Songfic to the song of the same name from Jesus Christ Superstar. Harry's POV about his growing feelings towards Lara and how he wishes he'd done things differently before it was too late. Set around Xmas 2003.


**Could we start again, please?**

_I've been living to see you_

_Dying to see you_

_But it shouldn't be like this..._

Looking back over the last few months, the biggest surprise is that it didn't happen sooner. But then, maybe if it had it wouldn't have been so bad – it's the fact that this has been building up for ages that has made it so hard to deal with. Perhaps if I had admitted it to myself earlier I could have dealt with my feelings like the adult that I am rather than an immature fifteen year-old. It's true that for a long time now, the highlight of every day has been seeing you, talking to you ... loving you silently. After losing Beth, learning to cope as a single dad, then all that mess about the anti-depressants, you were the light at the end of the tunnel every day and I genuinely believed that you were beginning to feel the same way about me. We'd both lost the people we had thought would be our life partners, we could laugh together, seemed to understand each other ... at least I thought we did.

_This was unexpected;_

_What do I do now?_

And then the blow – you don't, you never have. I had misread the signals. I know it wasn't that you had been leading me on and then changed your mind; you're not like that, but I convinced myself that you were the one at fault. It was wrong, it was so completely wrong and I wish to God I could turn back the clock but it was the only way I could cope with the embarrassment and heartbreak at the time and it's still there. Every time I make a snide comment or put you down in front of everyone I hate myself more than you can imagine and can almost feel my heart breaking. And I don't know how to stop.

_Could we start again, please?_

I love you, yet I treat you as if I hate you. I know it's my fault, my problem, my funeral, but I have to make it yours as well. There's no excuse for how appallingly I've behaved except that I don't know how else to cope with knowing that you'll never love me, never hug me again, never talk to me the way you used to...

_I've been very hopeful so far_

_Now for the first time, I think we're going wrong..._

I should have tried harder to go back to normal after you said you didn't feel the same way. You let me down so gently and tactfully, I can't fault your delivery but somehow I was unable to accept that and move on. You said there was someone else out there for me but all I could think was, I don't want anyone else, I want you, I love you. I don't want to love anyone else.

_Hurry up and tell me this is all a dream?_

I don't know the exact point I started loving you. Every man in the department notices you, but I suppose I thought that I was different from them, that I saw not just your physical beauty but your inner glow, the passion inside ...

I would never have cheated on Beth even if you had loved me; I believe in family values and the sanctity of marriage but she's not here any more. I missed her so terribly at first even though I didn't let anyone see my pain, even the kids, but now I know life does go on and so must I. I think it must have been then that I realised that a wonderful, beautiful, caring woman had been right in front of me for months and I would be a fool to not even try.

_Could we start again, please?_

Maybe I was stupid to think that someone like you ever could love someone like me. Not through any fault of yours, but I know I'm no spring chicken or a dashing Romeo any more and I'm sure I'm not the easiest person to live with. I just dared to believe that we were on the same wavelength and could have been together.

_I've been living to see you_

I feel so ashamed. Every day I go home hating the person I've become and sometimes even wishing that when I go to sleep I won't wake up. I just wish I could erase the past few weeks and go back to when we were friends but I know that won't happen now, because of me. I went for all or nothing, and I lost – I have nothing.

_Dying to see you, but it shouldn't be like this_

_This was unexpected – what do I do now?_

Tess has noticed; so has everyone else after Saturday's incident. While I should have been checking that you were all right I was questioning your ability to do your job. Of course I know none of that was your fault and it was me who was behaving unprofessionally - I just can't admit it to anyone, even myself sometimes. In fact, when you shouted back I felt a certain degree of relief, despite the embarrassment of that happening in front of everyone.

_I think you've made your point now_

_You've even gone a bit too far to get your message home_

I can't imagine that things will ever be the same again. There is nothing I want more than being able to talk to you, or hug you as a friend again but I know I have probably burned every bridge and ruined any chance of that happening. But believe me when I say there will be no more digs at your professionalism, no more degrading comments. You have every right to file a complaint about me if you wish to do so and I won't try to talk you out of it. It'll be mild compared to how much I hate myself for what I've done to you.

_Before it gets too frightening_

_We ought to call a halt_

_So could we start again, please?_

No matter how many times I say I'm sorry, I realise that some damage is simply too deep to be repaired. It may only end when one of us leaves and if it has to be me, I accept that and will deal with it in an adult way. I can't promise to feel differently inside or stop loving you, but I can assure you that you will not suffer any more for my failure to keep my emotions under control. I'm not sorry I fell in love with you, but I am sorry for the entirely inappropriate way I dealt with it.

_Could we start again, please?_

I am so, so sorry, Lara. If you can ever find it in your heart to forgive me (and I won't blame you in the slightest if you can't), I will ensure that nothing of this kind will ever happen again. I am so deeply ashamed and would give absolutely anything for things to go back to the way they were.

_Could we start again...?_


End file.
